Osaka Redux: When Japan got me by the balls – Japan by Bike Pt. 15b

Sorry to retrace my steps but I completely forgot about the story of how I arrived in Osaka.

It had been over a week since I had showered in Japan, I had been relying on wet wipes and hanging my underwear up overnight in my tent.  I felt dirty and probably smelled to be honest, although the polite Japanese never brought this to my attention.

This was my chance however, I had heard Osaka had a wondrous place, filled with soap, baths, showers, clean clothes and all this in the epitome of classy spa retreat.  Enter Spa World Osaka, this place had a whole floor of a building dedicated to different themed prestige bath houses, I was coming into Osaka expecting an orgy of cleanliness in every single possible historical context.

My initial attempts were in vain, the evil robot kiosky overlords initially stifled my entry into this amazing place, I struggled to navigate the machines required to get a wristband but eventually a hotel concierge belonging to a hotel further up the same building was able to accommodate my wishes.

How glourius this would be, I made a bee line for the Roman Spa –


The Roman main pool.

What an opulent place, I lay myself under the marble lion structure as crystal clear water flowed from it’s mouth, cleansing my skin and soul from the trials over the last week.  This was the life..

I spent the next 3 hours jumping from warm, hot, cold pools, showers and saunas and just generally having that cleanliness orgy I was looking for.  The themes at the time were Balinese, Japanese and some weird Apple styled all white hospital feeling one.  Life couldn’t get any better.  It had gone exactly as planned, I had a 12 hour pass that allowed me to even stay over night and save me the cost of a hostel or hotel.


The Balinese main pool.

So eventually I decide I’m clean.  It was time for a little shut eye, this amazing place had a room full of giant recliners for just this.  It was like a giant movie theatre with projector and huge seats that reclined flat.

I had put on all my Onsen clothes which was just a shirt and shorts with nothing underneath and found an empty seat.  I was unsure of the rules and thought you may have to pay extra for this privileged extra and was a little worried I had taken someone’s seat, as it was so full.  The guy across from me was certainly having an awesome rest, his hand had even straddled across the arm rest, I simply padded it away and hoped I would enjoy such a restful experience that I could splay out in such splendour.


This is the best picture I could find of the recliners.

My body relaxed and melted into the seat as it amalgamated over a week in the saddle with the intensely relaxing spa experience, I fell asleep.

‘What?’ I mutter as someone nudges me awake.  He was wearing a uniform and is a staff member I realise in my groggy state.  ‘Oh, I must have taken someone’s seat.  I knew it was too good to be true, a free recliner for the night.’ I thought.

He motioned for me to come with him and led me to a teenager that looked about 18 or so.  ‘I must have taken this persons seat’ was my thinking.

“Apologise to him.” the staff member ordered.  I took the breath ready to utter the apology, he wasn’t looking at me however.

“Apologise to him.” he said it again, in a forceful manner, using his hands to gesture an apology from the 18 year old to me.  To say I was a little confused and sleep deprived at this point would be an understatement.

“I..I…I’m sorry.” muttered the 18 year old looking at the floor.

“What?  What happened?!” I managed to stammer in my confused state.  What happened next is verbatim..

“He touched your penis.” he said matter of factly.

“Oh……ok…” more confusion.

He apologised again and was asked to leave.  I was left standing there a little dumbfounded and questioning my reality.  It was a little too much for my brain to deal with at the time so I just shrugged my shoulders and went back to sleep (true stoicism again).

Waking up I realised since I had no memory and I didn’t really care I wouldn’t really worry about it.  More power to him, he was curious and had a go, I had a great story to share and his curiosity was sated.  What a great place Japan is!

To make matters even better I went to have breakfast and on the massive wall the Japanese morning show was being broadcast.  Apparently a Kangaroo was loose in the city!  Japanese television is always entertaining and strange but combined with the little connection to home I had an odd sense of pride, intrigue and wonder.

I managed to check out of Spa World Osaka the next morning and move myself to the hostel in Part 15.

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